In honor of ordering my tenth straight WrestleMania last night, I decided to do a running diary of the event (copyright Bill Simmons). The event on paper looks like it could be a classic with the return of The Rock and Stone Cold, as well as the Undertaker putting his streak on the line against Triple H and John Cena challenging the Miz for the WWE Championship.
Here’s what went down…
7:00pm: Late in the second quarter the Celtics are up on the Pist… oh yeah forgot to mention I forgot to take the night off from work so I am currently at the TD Garden, let’s hope this game ends quickly so I can get home.
8:25: Mercifully the game is over so now I can finall… oh yeah they put me on the club level tonight which stays open an hour after the game, let’s hope being a Sunday night people do not feel like staying the full hour.
9:20: I am finally in my car on my way home. I call Brian “Poopa” Smith to inform him that he needs to order food so it will be there when I get home. Poopa will be joining me tonight for his third straight WrestleMania after I sucked him into wrestling. He is so fired up for tonight that I have 2 texts from him waiting for me when I grab my phone after work:
6:39pm: “LOVE? LOVE IS YOUR JOB!!!!!!!”
7:18pm: “You can’t really know where you’re going until you know where you’ve been”
That’s right folks he is so fired up for WrestleMania that he is texting me Hitch quotes while he waits for me to get home. It should also be noted that he is at my house already doing a fantasy baseball draft and watching Sister Wives with my mother and sister. I consider telling him to go home but in the end I decide I will need someone to watch with me to keep me awake since this now promises to go until 2 AM.
10:03: FINALLY WrestleMania time!!! I have a barbecue steak pizza in front of me and I am ready to go. I informed everyone that it is my tenth straight WrestleMania, leading to Poopa and Beth thinking it was impressive, while my mother said it was sad. I also asked mother what she would have thought more unlikely back in 1989 when I began watching wrestling: that in 2011 her son would still be watching wrestling or that in 2011 Hulk Hogan would still be wrestling. Fortunately she finds Hogan more pathetic than me, so I have that going for me.
10:06: Keri Hilson has completed America the Beautiful and now they are running an intro for The Rock, this year’s WrestleMania Host. Not sure what a host does at the biggest wrestling event of the year, other than get involved in the main event championship match, but I guess we will find out. Poopa expects tonight to be a 10 on the epic scale and seems peeved when I only expect a 9. I have seen them screw up too many sure things in the past to expect a 10, hopefully I am wrong.
10:09: Poopa has already mentioned fantasy baseball, and I politely inform him I couldn’t care less and that would be his last time bringing it up this evening. The Rock is now out and posing on the ropes in front of over 70,000 people. This leads Poopa to ask aloud, “I wonder how that feels?” Being the nice friend I am I ask him if he asks the same thing while watching porn. Probably better off not knowing the answer to that one.
10:17: The Rock is going through all his catchphrases and getting the crowd involved. I notice that we haven’t had the typical goose bump-inducing opening montage; I hope that isn’t sacrificed for a Rock promo that isn’t much different from the ones he has given on Raw since he returned.
10:20: Fortunately we did get a traditional WrestleMania opening and now we are listening to Michael Cole spew hyperbole about what a big event it is. Michael Cole has been universally hated since he took over for Jim Ross as Raw commentator, so Vince decided to capitalize on that by making him a heel commentator. Somehow that has led to him wrestling this evening, I’m sure that won’t be a trainwreck…
10:20: Shockingly the World Heavyweight Championship match between Edge and Alberto Del Rio is first tonight. Poopa literally starts yelling about this and asks the question, “WHOSE IDEA WAS THIS???” I inform him that it was probably Vince MacMahon’s.
10:27: The match is now underway. For those curious we currently have 5 announcers sitting ringside, including a rare appearance by the SPANISH ANNOUNCE TABLE, which has perished more times than Kenny on South Park. Michael Cole is sitting inside his “Cole Mine” cubicle (don’t ask). Josh Matthews and Jerry Lawler, Cole’s opponent tonight, join Cole on the English speaking announce team.
10:31: Alberto Del Rio (up and coming star, won the Royal Rumble this year, plays an affluent Mexican character) controls the match early as he targets the injured arm of Edge. Edge has his longtime friend and former tag team partner Christian in his corner, while Del Rio is joined by Brodus Clay (generic big man) and his personal ring announcer.
10:33: Edge has taken control after Del Rio went flying through the ropes feet first landing awkwardly. That brought out the first “OHHH” of the night by Poopa and I. We have also been informed by Cole that Edge really wants to win this match. Thanks for that info Michael.
10:36: It is starting to get chaotic with some outside interference and Christian brawling with Clay. Del Rio locks on his finishing submission hold, the cross arm-breaker and the commentators declare that the match has to be over, which means Edge will end up breaking the hold. In a related story, Edge just broke out of the hold.
10:38: SPEAR!!!! Edge hits his finisher and this time Poopa declares it over, and it is! Edge retains the title, and for the second year in a row the Royal Rumble winner does not win the title at WrestleMania. Poopa and I agreed to predict the outcome of each match beforehand and I now stand at 1-0 and he is 0-1. Edge destroys Del Rio’s car with a crowbar while Christian stands there doing nothing with a tire iron. Del Rio seems more upset about the car.
10:44: Cole and King taunt each other about their match later while Poopa notices the ATL’s own Ludacris sitting ringside at the Georgia Dome.
10:45: Cody Rhodes (son of Dusty and brother of Goldust) comes out for our second bout. He will be facing Rey Mysterio, who took away Rhodes’ “dashing” good looks by inadvertently breaking Rhodes’ nose back in January. I predict Rhodes will win and after pondering over it like it was some global issue Poopa finally takes Mysterio. Mysterio comes out dressed as a superhero. I ask if he is supposed to be Mr. America and Poopa informs me it is Captain America. I quickly apologize.
10:49: Cody Rhodes is sporting the Rip Hamilton face mask this evening and according to Michael Cole it has been deemed legal by the “Board of Commissioners”. And people think wrestling’s fake??
11:00: Rhodes has lost his mask and Mysterio had his knee brace taken off. This leads to Rhodes using the knee brace as a weapon while the referee’s back is turned (that never happens!) Rhodes then hits his finisher for the win. He flees to the back using the Rip Hamilton to hide his face as Poopa points out that the mask is clear. Apparently he expects professional wrestling to make sense. This is also coming from the person who took 2 full minutes to unwrap his steak and cheese sub earlier because he couldn’t figure out how it was wrapped.
11:02 Snoop Dogg is backstage and is auditioning wrestlers to become new rappers. This is painful, as expected, highlighted only by William Regal (proper Englishman) and a Roddy Piper appearance.
11:05: It is now time for tonight’s 8 man tag team match. The Corre (stable of up and coming stars) comes out first followed by their opponents Kane, Big Show, and Santino Marella. Marella’s tag team partner, Vlad Kozlov, is missing because he was attacked by The Corre earlier in the day (that never happens!). Kofi Kingston (from Ghana but played a Jamaican character for a long time) comes out to replace Kozlov. Kingston has beef with The Corre because their leader, Wade Barrett, recently beat him for the Intercontinental championship. The match ends quickly and I don’t see any of it as I have run to the kitchen to grab cereal and spilled it everywhere. From the other room I hear “this is awful” so I am not too concerned. The Corre lost, moving me to 3-0 on the evening and Poopa to 0-3.
11:13: The Rock has an awkward backstage encounter with approximately 250 year old Mae Young, which includes her talking about his “strudel”. The segment is redeemed though when Stone Cold enters the room and has a brief conversation and staredown with The Rock.
11:17: The highlight package for CM Punk-Randy Orton begins with a clip from the Royal Rumble where Punk cost Orton the championship against The Miz. Seeing the Royal Rumble clip (it was in Boston this year) I ask Poopa if he remembers being late to the Rumble this year because we had to wait for him to try and ask out the cigar girl at Stanza dei Sigari but instead he only bought a 25 dollar cigar from her. He can only nod his head.
11:23: For the first time this evening Poopa and I have predicted the same outcome for a match. We both think Randy Orton will be the winner of this bout. Poopa also hasn’t noticed Punk’s entire chest being covered in tattoos before despite regularly watching wrestling.
11:28: CM Punk is focusing on the knee of Randy Orton that he injured 2 weeks ago. So 3 of our first 4 matches tonight involve injury angles. I wonder why people sometimes call the WWE creative team lazy. Poopa and I both agree that either this crowd is terrible or that the sound isn’t coming across well on TV. We also agree that Randy Orton may have fallen asleep in the tanning bed because he looks positively red.
11:38: Just when Orton looks done he nails his finisher the RKO out of nowhere as Punk leaps off the top rope and wins the match. Poopa is now on a roll in the prediction department, 1-3!!!
11:40: Another painful backstage segment involving The Rock, Mean Gene Okerlund (longtime WWE announcer) and Pee Wee Herman. It’s about as bad as everyone would expect so let’s move on.
11:43: The 2011 WWE Hall of Fame class is introduced to the crowd. The class is highlighted by Shawn Michaels, Hacksaw Jim Duggan’s 2X4 sporting a bow tie, and Sunny apparently using her appearance fee on a boob job for the occasion. And for anyone wondering the WWE Hall of Fame is not an actual place, it’s more just a page on WWE’s website.
11:47: An ad for tomorrow night’s WWE programming on USA leads Poopa to point out that it will be 4 hours long just like tonight. I am beginning to question my life while Poopa seems thrilled at the prospect of sitting through another 4 hours of wrestling. I have created a monster.
11:50: Since Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are competing next, Booker T and Jim Ross have come out to join the announce team. Cole interrupts JR as he comes down to ringside. He taunts him while wearing a ridiculous red high school wrestling singlet. Poopa and I both predict Lawler to win this “match.” Lawler has been vocal in recent years about wanting 1 match at Mania before his career is truly over and he got his wish this year. If he knew this is what he was going to get I wonder if he would have just kept his mouth shut.
11:53: Stone Cold Steve Austin rides down to the ring on a four wheeler while Michael Cole hides. Booker T is more excited than anyone in the crowd yelling repeatedly “that’s my dawg!!!” Michael Cole is now doing calisthenics in the Cole Mine and calls timeout when Austin tries to start the match.
12:04: The crowd has decided to point out obvious things by chanting “YOU CAN’T WRESTLE” and “BORING” at Michael Cole. Austin has yet to Stun anyone making me nervous that I took the over on 3.5 Stunners (Poopa took the under).
12:08: STUNNER #1!!!!!! DOWN GOES JACK SWAGGER (Poopa’s least favorite wrestler, and Michael Cole’s “trainer”), Booker T is ecstatic. Lawler ends up winning by submission. Booker runs into the ring to join in the beer bash going on with his “dawg”. He performs his patented “spinaroonie” followed by…..
STUNNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (#2)
12:16: Josh Matthews just had the unfortunate job of announcing the decision of the Raw Anonymous General Manager (don’t ask) that Stone Cold overstepped his authority and informs everyone that Michael Cole is now the winner by disqualification. Stone Cold does not like this decision leading to a STUNNER!!!!!! (#3) on Josh Matthews. At least WWE is getting their former superstars over tonight.
12:21: It is now time for Triple H-Undertaker. Poopa goes against all logic and predicts Triple H to win the match. In a related story the Undertaker is 18-0 all-time at WrestleMania so I feel pretty confident in picking him to win.
12:28: We are now blessed with JR and Lawler for the rest of WrestleMania this evening. WWE has the greatest wrestling play-by-play man and ring announcer (Howard Finkel) under contract yet chooses not to use them.
12:35: After prolonged ring entrances the match is now underway. Triple H entered looking like Conan the Barbarian for some reason. Poopa and I agree that the water spitting thing he does is still cool though. Undertaker comes out to his new AWFUL theme song. Nothing screams “prince of darkness” like a slow rambling acoustic country song. That song might top his “American Badass” gimmick as worst decision of his career.
12:36: The Spanish Announce Table looks to be in danger as Undertaker has cleared it off, but in a surprise twist, the Cole Mine is the first furniture casualty of the evening. Triple H just speared Undertaker through it.
12:39: It is not a good night for announcing set-ups as the English Announce Table has been cleared off as well, this time by Triple H. For now they are both intact.
12:41: Undertaker just almost killed himself diving headfirst out of the ring over the top rope at Triple H. It should be noted that neither of these men have wrestled much since last spring. They are the O’Neal brothers of the WWE.
12:43: RIP Spanish Announce Table. Cause of Death: Triple H hitting a spinebuster on Undertaker through it.
12:48: Triple H with a pedigree for a TWOOOOOOOO count. Poopa got excited.
12:50: Last Ride by the Undertaker… TWOOOOOOOOOO.
12:51: Tombstone by the Undertaker, folds the arms, tongue out, gotta be over… TWOOOOOOOOOOO.
12:54: Pedigree by Triple H… TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, followed by another Pedigree for the TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
12:57: Triple H just hit 8 consecutive chair shots on the Undertaker as counted by Poopa
12:58: Concussions be damned, Triple H just nailed Undertaker in the head with a monster chair shot and then stares in disbelief as Undertaker keeps trying to get up. He is now yelling “stay down, just die, what’s wrong with you?!?!?!?!” I believe his family says the same thing every time he refuses to retire. Triple H now taunts Undertaker with his signature throat slash and HITS THE TOMBSTONE ON THE UNDERTAKER!!!! He mimics the Undertaker’s traditional pin, 1….2…. SHOULDER UP!!!!!!! It probably goes without saying, but this is the match of the night.
1:02: A frustrated Triple H now goes for his trusty sledgehammer to try and finish off the Dead Man. HELL’S GATE!!! Out of nowhere, Undertaker has Triple H locked in his chokehold submission. Triple H hanging on, now reaches for his sledgehammer but his arm goes limp and he drops it, he’s fading. TRIPLE H TAPS OUT, THE STREAK IS NOW 19-0!!! Poopa is disgusted, as if there were ever any doubt. Poopa slumps over, he seems to be more spent after that match than the wrestlers themselves. Undertaker’s horrendous theme song is now blasting over the Georgia Dome sound system.
1:08: Signs your wrestling career might need to end: the trainer checks your pulse after a match. Undertaker has now collapsed outside the ring and actually looks like he may be dead. They now are wheeling him out on the back of a cart. I ask Poopa if he thinks that will be what happens with Shaq at the end of the postseason. He laughs, but then seems to realize it could actually happen.
1:14: Slumped over on the couch, spent from watching a 30 minute wrestling match, Poopa complains that big matches don’t need filler in between as the crowd should be able to stay into the matches. I point out that he is saying this while appearing to need an IV and he agrees then that maybe filler isn’t so bad.
1:14: EXCUSE ME!!!!!!!!!!! Vickie Guerrero (widow of Eddie Guerrero) comes out signaling the start of the mixed tag match featuring… Snooki. Maybe Poopa was on to something with that no filler theory. I refuse to comment on this match.
1:23: Mercifully that ended quickly. Somehow the 2 male wrestlers never entered the ring. To no one’s surprise Snooki gets the pin because why should the WWE push their own talent when they can let a reality “star” get the win. I guess she is now going to enter the Hall of Fame since Drew Carey was inducted for running away from Kane in the Royal Rumble one year. The only highlight of this match was Poopa exclaiming “oooh buttcrack!” when Trish Stratus bent over. It takes so little to excite him.
1:25: A new Georgia Dome attendance record has been set… 71,617!!! They can tell their children one day that they saw WWE Hall of Famer Snooki win on the Grandest Stage of them All.
1:32: The Miz and John Cena are now out to the ring for the last match of the evening for Miz’s WWE Championship. Miz had a cool highlight package that Poopa approved of because it featured Nas. Cena had a choir out for him (copyright Blake Griffin 2011) and had a highlight package narrated by DMX. Luda can’t get any love.
1:39: The match is now underway, or as I like to think of it, the countdown to the Rock’s interference has begun.
1:47: Very slow paced to this point and the Miz has been controlling the action. The crowd still seems very out of it.
1:48: We now have an exposed turnbuckle in the corner (that never happens!). Cena locks in his STF submission on The Miz but he makes it to the ropes.
1:49: Cena off the exposed steel into The Miz’s finisher, the Skull Crashing Finale for a TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
1:50: The ref has been knocked unconscious (that never happens!) before Cena hits his finisher (the Attitude Adjustment) on The Miz. No referee to count the pin (that never happens!). The Miz’s apprentice Alex Riley hits Cena with a steel briefcase right before the ref recovers (that never happens!) and the Miz gets a TWOOOOOOOOOO!
1:52: A crazy sequence occurs with Miz taking out Alex Riley accidentally (that never happens!) then taking an Attitude Adjustment for a TWOOOOOOOOO. Cena ends up tackling Miz into the crowd and they both get counted out. The match is declared a draw and The Miz retains?!?!?!?!
1:54: IF YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKIN! The Rock declares that the match will not end that way and restarts it. Cena tries for his finisher but The Miz scrambles over the rope. Cena turns around… ROCK BOTTOM ON CENA!!! 1….2….3 MIZ RETAINS! Poopa has officially gone insane as he is yelling about conspiracy theories like this is all real. Meanwhile The Rock and The Miz are going at it in the ring. The Rock gets the upper hand and nails a spinebuster followed by The People’s Elbow. The Show ends with The Rock posing for the crowd.
2:02: Poopa and I are both a bit letdown by the show but the more I think about it there was more good than bad, it’s just that the bad was REALLY bad. We both agree that the ending was very stupid unless The Rock is coming back to wrestle because otherwise the WWE just fed their 2 biggest stars to a retired wrestler. But I am now sucked into Raw to see where this goes. Four more hours of wrestling here I come!
