NBA Round 2 Rambling Preview: East Edition

To view my Western Conference rambling preview from earlier today click here.

The Eastern Conference Semi-Finals are the wild card of this second round.  One matchup on paper looks like it should be a potential seven game war while another looks like a dud.  The series I expect to be the war is Celtics-Heat while Hawks-Bulls seems like it is shaping up to be like last year’s terrible Magic-Hawks series.  For those wondering what was so bad about that series, the Hawks were swept by Orlando by a combined 101 points. 

Mike Woodson wipe those eyes and enjoy my thoughts on the East:

- I HATE the Hawks.  Let me be clear about that up front.  I hate that they drop confetti/streamers after every playoff win like they just defeated the alien team in Space Jam to save the world.  I hate that KG is labeled a punk and is called out while Zaza Pachulia runs around like the southern version of P.K. Subban and is labeled one of the NBA’s “tough guys”.  Josh Smith always seems like he could be so much better but is content to coast and shoot 3’s and only occasionally shows flashes of the player he could be.  Joe Johnson was the best player on the team to suffer the worst sweep in NBA history and somehow cashed in on that with a ridiculous contract.  I think they are soft.  I think they got lucky that Hedo Turkoglu and Jason Richardson had abysmal performances and left Dwight Howard hanging.  I don’t see them winning more than one game against Chicago.

- Their only hope is for Derrick Rose to aggravate his ankle that he injured in the Indiana series.  Considering Rose went for 25 points the game after spraining the ankle and now has had some time to rest, it doesn’t seem like that is going to happen.  Atlanta also lost their best option to defend Rose for possibly the entire series when Kirk Hinrich injured his hamstring at the end of their series clinching win against Orlando.  The Hawks will probably now have to start Jamal Crawford who is a good offensive player but will have problems staying with Rose on the other end.  If they choose to keep Crawford in his sixth man role off of the bench then they will have to go to Jeff Teague, a second year player who only played 9 minutes in the first round.  Either way Rose should be able to have his way with Atlanta. 

- It will be interesting to see how Chicago responds following their elimination of Indiana.  The Pacers led in the fourth quarter of the first four games in the series, but were only able to win one of them.  If Rose can be slowed down it remains to be seen who they trust to take a big shot other than Kyle Korver or maybe Luol Deng.  Carlos Boozer is banged up but expects to play in the series but he could struggle with Al Horford.  As has been the case all season this team will go as far as Rose can carry them.  He has played at an unbelievable level all year but he got banged around in the Indiana series and the Bulls have to hope he can just keep taking the hits because no one player is more vital to his team’s success than Rose.

- Earlier in the season I wrote that the Heat were relying too much on their Big Three offensively.  At that point they were averaging over 65% of their team’s field goal attempts.  Most teams see an increase in shot attempts for their best players in the playoffs and I wondered if we might see LeBron, Wade, and Bosh average over 70% of Miami’s shots in the playoffs.  We did not see that in the first round, but their numbers did have an interesting trend.  At the start of the series their percentage of shots taken was actually below 60%.  As the series progressed the percentage increased though.  The last three games against Philadelphia saw the percentage go up to over 67% each game.  It’s only natural that a team’s best players are going to dominate the ball more as the games increase in importance but their numbers are already so skewed that an increase at this point will see them hit that magical 70% mark.

- I think Doc Rivers and the Celtics are content to let LeBron, Wade, and Bosh take such a high percentage of shots.  The quality of the shots they are getting will be the key to Boston’s defense.  If they can force them to become jump shooters than the Celtics should be able to win this series because they all think they are better jump shooters than they truly are. 

- The LeBron/Wade dynamic should be interesting to watch in this series.  LeBron has been bounced out twice by the Celtics in the last three years.  He sees the Celtics as the hurdle he needs to clear much like Michael Jordan knew the Pistons were his obstacle to a championship in the late 80s and early 90s.  Wade also struggled a great deal during the regular season against Boston.  They both could be pressing some in this series and watching how they share the ball when they both feel they have a lot to prove against this team should be intriguing.

- If, and it is a big if, Shaq plays in this series I think he needs to come off of the bench.  He has only played 5 minutes since February and the bench struggled offensively against the Knicks.  I think he could open up a lot of things for Big Baby, Jeff Green, and Delonte West.  I also think the starters have gotten into a rhythm with Jermaine O’Neal and that they shouldn’t risk shuffling things around in their biggest series of the season.  I think JO meshes well with their team defense.  His numbers weren’t great but he altered a lot of shots in the Knicks series and he was a huge factor in their Game 1 win.  Shaq can still log minutes with the starters but I think offensively and defensively it makes sense for him to come off the bench.

- The Heat have no answer for Rondo if he plays like he did against the Knicks.  They do not have anyone that can check him at the point guard spot and if they shuffle Wade or LeBron onto him then Pierce or Allen will have a mismatch.  He is going to see defenses sag off him even as his jumper improves but at this point I don’t know that he cares.  If he has a running start and they pick him up below the foul line he knows he can either get to the rim or dish it off without a lot of stress.  As long as he continues his stellar play the Celtics should be in good shape.

- Ray Allen is my pick for Celtic most likely to go off in this series, followed closely by Kevin Garnett.  Pierce has struggled to find his offense for long stretches in his previous two series against James.  Wade seems to hate covering Allen though.  He gets lazy running through screens at times and also will double off of Allen leaving him wide open looks.  The Celtics’ screen setting improved a lot in the first round and if that continues Ray should be able to find a lot of space against Miami.  Garnett historically has played well against Bosh at both ends of the floor and is playing at a high level right now.

- I predict the Celtics to win this series in six games.  If they are able to contain LeBron, Wade, and Bosh to some degree the Heat do not have enough around them to pick up the slack, especially if Mike Miller and Udonis Haslem don’t play.  The other key is team rebounding.  James and Wade were very active on the glass against the 76er’s and Rondo, Allen, and Pierce need to make sure they are putting bodies on them when shots go up.  This may be the Celtics last run but I can’t see them allowing the Heat to send them home.  They have wanted this series since the words “South Beach” left LeBron’s mouth last July and I don’t see them backing down now.

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NBA Round 2 Rambling Preview: West Edition

Talk about a quick turnaround: the first round was just completed less than an hour ago but we now have less than 36 hours until the start of round 2.  The Grizzlies just defeated the Spurs to end the first round and now have the reward of opening up the second round Sunday afternoon in Oklahoma City. 

But enough about them!  What about us fans??  The Grizzlies only had to endure 6 games!  NBA fans experienced 43 mostly thrilling games over the last 2 weeks. 

The level of talent and competition in the NBA right now is at an all-time high and it resulted in one of the better overall first rounds that I can remember.  Fortunately for the fans it is much easier for us to recover than the teams that actually played and the first round should only leave us hungry and excited for more action!  The first round set the bar high and the second round has the potential of three epic series to keep that momentum going. 

Without further ado here are my rambling, late night thoughts on the Western Conference:

- Gotta start things off with a tip of the cap to the San Antonio Spurs.  Last night’s defeat officially marks the end of their dynasty period.  Most people thought last season’s sweep at the hands of Phoenix would end their run, but to San Antonio’s credit they re-invented themselves and pulled off a 61 win season and the top seed in the Western Conference.  They weren’t always fun to watch (an understatement) but we got to watch one of the greatest power forwards of all time for the last 13 years as well as fun rivalries with both Phoenix and Dallas.  They are definitely worth a full entry after the season.

- The Dallas Mavericks terrify me.  They seem to have the most versatile rotation of any of the remaining playoff teams.  Dirk Nowitzki, Jason Terry, and Jason Kidd have all proven to be assassins down the stretch late in games.  Nowitzki, Tyson Chandler, and Brendan Haywood provide them with size to match up with the Lakers front court of Pau Gasol, Andrew Bynum, and Lamar Odom.  They have at least 4 legitimate three point threats in their rotation (Dirk, Kidd, Terry, and Peja Stojakovic).  Shawn Marion and DeShawn Stevenson are solid defenders that can make Kobe work for his points.  Caron Butler could also be added into this mix after missing the Portland series.

- Dirk remains one of the most unique players in the league with his size and ability to shoot from distance.  He should give the Lakers fits this round because he can beat Gasol and Bynum off of the dribble and can shoot over Artest.  Odom is probably their best option but the Lakers have typically avoided playing Odom with both Gasol and Bynum which would further neutralize their size advantage.

- Despite the last 2 paragraphs and my gut feeling I still think the Lakers get by Dallas in 7.  I want to pick the Mavs badly but they always seem to disappoint and the Lakers have been their kryptonite over the years.  This could be Dirk’s last best chance to win a title, as this is the best surrounding cast he has ever had, but I still see the defending champs moving on.

- It may seem obvious, but Kevin Durant is a BEAST and a scoring machine.  Watching him take over down the stretch against Denver in Game 5 made it all the more laughable that there has been any alpha dog struggle between him and Russell Westbrook.  Everyone seems to recognize that Durant needs to be leading that team in FGA every night except for Westbrook.  Amazingly this could continue to be an underlying issue with the Thunder.  Westbrook took 30 shots in their Game 4 loss and heard a lot of criticism from both the media and his own coach, Scotty Brooks.  He seemed to be sulking a bit in Game 5, shooting 3-15 and only producing 4 assists.  It’s a problem that needs to be dealt with quickly because…

- The Memphis Grizzlies have turned into a legitimate playoff contender.  After a slow start they played at a very high level over their final 51 games (32-19 record).  They have a front court that is playing at a near-elite level right now with Zach Randolph and Marc Gasol.  They can roll out two of the premier swing defenders in the game in Shane Battier and Tony Allen.  They have an above average point guard who can score in Mike Conley.  They have scoring off the bench in O.J. Mayo, Darrell Arthur, and Greivis Vasquez.  They are riding high with confidence right now having disposed of the number one team in the conference.  Their ability to pressure the ball and make San Antonio uncomfortable offensively was the biggest factor in them winning that series.

- Randolph is no longer an under the radar star.  He just burst onto the scene with a remarkable series against the Spurs.  He has proven himself to be a versatile scorer with an ability to post up, offensive rebound, and take slower defenders off the dribble.  He is an excellent rebounder along with Gasol and they gave the Spurs front court fits.  Randolph versus Serge Ibaka could be the most entertaining one-on-one battle of this round.

- The OKC-Memphis series is intriguing because it’s a matchup of two teams in uncharted territory.  The Thunder should win the series, but I see it going 7 games as well.  Ultimately the combination of home court advantage, longer rest, and having the best player on the court should win out, but I see Memphis as being one piece short.  If Rudy Gay was healthy and able to play he could have possibly tipped the scales in the Grizzlies’ favor, but regardless Memphis will be a very tough out.

Later today I will post my thoughts on the Eastern Conference Semi-Finals.

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Lessons Learned for Bruins?

April 21, 2008 Montreal Canadiens 5 Boston Bruins 0

May 14, 2009 Carolina Hurricanes 3 Boston Bruins 2 (OT)

May 14, 2010 Philadelphia Flyers 4 Boston Bruins 3

The previous three Boston Bruins seasons have all ended similarly: with the Bruins dropping a Game 7 in the playoffs.  They were all painful in their own way, but last season stung the worst.  Up 3-0 in the series at one point and 3-0 in Game 7, the Bruins fell to the Flyers in both the series and the game 4-3.  For almost a year the refrain from the Bruins has been that they have learned from that series last season. 

All that talk will be put to the test tonight.

This year's series with Montreal has been a roller coaster ride for both the teams and fans alike.  The Bruins were written off after dropping Games 1 and 2 at home, yet last night entered Game 6 up 3-2 in the series with most believing they held all of the momentum.  Momentum can be fickle though, and the Bruins now must dig deep in a Game 7 in their building on the second night of back to back games in what becomes the biggest game of the Claude Julien era.

The Bruins carry a lot of baggage into this game, while the Canadiens have to be feeling much more confident knowing they won two Game 7's on the road a year ago in an improbable run to the Eastern Conference Finals.  The Bruins have yet to win a Game 7 in the Julien era.  Zdeno Chara has never won a Game 7 in his career.  Bruins fans have come to expect the worst in recent years regarding this franchise.  An early Montreal lead would only reinforce all of this and cast a definite pall over the proceedings.

On the other hand the Bruins need to remember that they are the better team.  They earned home ice in this series by finishing as the higher seed and it is vital that they come out and set the tone early.  CBC analyst Glenn Healy also told me the other night that he sees back to back games working in the Bruins favor, as Montreal is banged up right now and the Bruins are the deeper team. 

This game ultimately comes down to whether or not the Bruins have learned from history.  They claim that the Philadelphia series served as both a lesson and source of motivation throughout the year, but tonight is their first real opportunity to prove if that truly is the case.  Battling back in a Game 4 on the road in a must-win situation was impressive, but it will be telling if they are able to rise to the occasion on the ultimate "win or go home" stage.

Claude Julien has played a big part in resurrecting this franchise, but tonight he needs to prove that he can get this team to perform in a do or die situation and that they have truly turned a corner from last season.  The Bruins have talked the talk for nearly a year, but tonight they need to walk the walk.  A loss guarantees that this franchise will look much different come October.  

Tonight everyone just wants to see if this team finally looks different in the spring.

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On the Brink, Bruins Finally Push Back

In retrospect, Game 3 did not answer any questions other than that the Bruins could score on Carey Price.  They still had not shown that they could rally back from a deficit against the Canadiens in this series.

After last night, the Bruins answered that question in a big way.

Down 1-0, 3-1, and 4-3, the Bruins rose to the occasion three times last night and were ultimately rewarded with a thrilling 5-4 overtime victory to even the series with Montreal 2-2.  As unlikely as it seemed six nights ago, the Bruins now have regained home ice advantage in what is now a best of 3 series.

Even more unlikely was the line that won them the game.  Michael Ryder, Chris Kelly, and Rich Peverley combined for 3 goals, including the OT winner by Ryder, and 5 assists.  Kelly and Ryder have been the whipping boys for the Tyler Seguin supporters, but for at least one night they justified Claude Julien's faith in them.

There are still questions to be answered.  To say Tim Thomas has been up and down in this series would be an understatement.  Milan Lucic (0-0, 5 SOG in 4 games) has been completely non-existent, following up on his late season swoon after he scored his 30th goal.  The Bruins have also had no answer for Michael Cammalleri who has 7 points in 4 games so far.

Despite the questions the Bruins have finally showed the fight and resiliency they lacked in the first two games of the series.  They have seized both home ice and momentum away from Montreal.  A home team has yet to win in this series but the Bruins return home tomorrow night with confidence, momentum, and should be backed by a raucous crowd in the Garden.  A first round exit is still inexcusable for this team but they are finally showing the fight and determination to make sure that doesn't happen.

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Advantage: Doc

Four and a half years ago the Knicks were the opponent as the Celtics, and coach Doc Rivers, were serenaded with chants of “Fire Doc!” in a 101-77 blowout loss.  Oh, how things have changed. 

This morning Knicks fans are probably waking up envious that the Celtics have Rivers on their bench.  Leading their best of seven series 2-0 the Celtics have been the beneficiaries of superb coaching in end of game situations by Rivers.  Meanwhile New Yorkers must be scratching their heads at some of Mike D’Antoni’s decisions.  Simply put, Doc Rivers has completely exposed D’Antoni at the end of each of the first 2 games.

In Game 1 the Knicks held an 85-82 lead after Toney Douglas drilled a go-ahead three pointer.  Out of a timeout the Celtics connected on an inbounds alley oop from Rajon Rondo to Kevin Garnett.  The Knicks looked completely confused on the play and lost track of Garnett allowing him to spring free. The Celtics followed with a stop and won the game on a Ray Allen three pointer.

Last night the Celtics held a 94-93 lead and were looking to inbound the ball to either run out the clock or get fouled.  The Knicks lost track of Delonte West, who caught the ball deep in the backcourt and nearly ran out the remaining time.  Not only did the Knicks allow West to slip free but they also hesitated before finally rushing to foul him.  West hit the free throws and the Celtics won the game 96-93.

Rivers also found ways at the end of the game to get his best players the ball in crunch time.  He designed Garnett’s alley oop and Ray Allen’s game winning three in Game 1, and also got Garnett isolated for the game winning basket in Game 2.  Meanwhile D’Antoni was unable to get a scorching hot Amare Stoudemire the ball late in Game 1 and had the ball in Jared Jeffries’ hands on the crucial possession of Game 2 when Carmelo Anthony was on the floor with 42 points scored to that point.  In both games D’Antoni seemed flummoxed by the Celtics’ adjustments to slow down his stars, while Rivers set up plays to put his best players in positions to succeed.

On top of all that Mike D’Antoni has been without timeouts at the end of each of the first 2 games.  After Allen’s three pointer in Game 1 they had to bring the ball up without the benefit of drawing up a final play, and after West’s free throws at the end of last night’s game they had to settle for a full court heave instead of being able to advance the ball to the frontcourt for a shorter catch and shoot.  Doc Rivers on the other hand has had the benefit of timeouts to go over every critical situation with his team through the first 2 games.

The Knicks head home feeling like they easily could be leading this series but instead have lost the first 2 games by a combined 5 points.  They have played without all 3 of their stars (Anthony, Stoudemire, and Chauncey Billups) for stretches, and in Billups’ case an entire game, yet feel like they could have taken both games in Boston.  Instead they head into a must-win situation Friday night with questions about their coach’s ability in close games.  Meanwhile the Celtics have not played their best but can be confident knowing they own a huge advantage in coaching and intangibles.  

Oh, how things have changed.

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Pivotal Postseason(s) Ahead for Boston

With all due respect to baseball fans, spring only means one thing to me: PLAYOFFS!  For the fourth straight spring Bostonians get to enjoy both the Bruins and the Celtics playing in their respective postseasons.  For the fifth time in ten years, and the third time in the last four years, the Bruins open the postseason against their hated rival, the Montreal Canadiens.  The Celtics get to rekindle an old rivalry with the New York Knicks.  For Boston fans it doesn't get much better than this, with both teams aiming to make deep postseason runs, but there are questions abound for both squads as they begin their separate quests for sixteen wins.

More likely than not the Bruins are playing for their coach's job.  Claude Julien has helped lead the resurrection of a dying hockey franchise and re-energized the hockey faithful in the city.  He led an 8th seeded Bruins team to a game 7 against top seeded Montreal in 2008, and the last two years has led them to the second round (both ending in game 7 losses at home).  Last year they infamously jumped out to 3-0 leads in both the series and game 7 against Philadelphia but blew both.  Public approval for the Bruins hasn't been this high in Boston since the Ray Bourque days, and failing to get past the second round this year may severely test that support.

As excited as fans are for another series with Montreal, it may not have been the best draw for a team with a lot to prove this postseason.  The Bruins struggled most of the year against the Canadiens, though we all remember what happened the last time they met in Boston.  It would have been an emotional series anyways, but now the Chara-Pacioretty drama has added a whole new dimension.  Even if they get through this series, and I expect them to, it remains to be seen how much this series will take out of them.  They came out completely flat two days after their 7-0 win last month and seemed emotionally drained.  Seven games of that (potentially) very well could weaken them for a second round series (which could be a Philadelphia rematch).  This team claims to have moved on and learned from the Flyers series last spring.  Getting over the hump and into the East Finals by potentially going through Montreal and Philly would certainly back up their claims, and would likely extend the tenure of their head coach.

While the hockey tenants in the Garden are made up of a number of younger players with limited playoff experience, their basketball neighbors down the hall in the Garden are quite the opposite.  The Boston Celtics begin their journey Sunday against the reborn and rejuvenated New York Knicks.  The Celtics are looking to make it back to their third NBA Finals in four years and for their second ring.  They also lost an agonizing game 7 to end their season last year, in the Finals against the Lakers.  There was a belief that last year could mark the end of the run of the new Big Three (Pierce, Garnett, and Allen), but Danny Ainge decided to give his core two more years together to try and win Banner 18.  Outside of their core four (the Big 3 and Rajon Rondo) though the Celtics appear to be a team in flux.

The Celtics find themselves trying to integrate an entirely new bench unit even as the playoffs begin.  They also seem to be mired in another end of year funk, while leading everyone to believe the team is torn apart from the controversial Kendrick Perkins trade.  Optimists point to last season’s turnaround from a 27-27 close to the regular season to game 7 of the NBA Finals, but this year’s playoff road appears to be much more daunting.  The Knicks are an offensive juggernaut with two legitimate superstars in Amare Stoudemire and Carmelo Anthony, and are much stronger than the Heat team the Celtics saw in round 1 last year.  This year’s version of the Heat with “The Three Kings” and the Chicago Bulls are head and shoulders above the Cavaliers and Magic teams of last season as well.

The Celtics will go as far as their core four can take them, and if healthy, still are plenty deep enough to make another run to the Finals.  Despite having another year together (contractually) after this season, this could mark the last stand for this group.  The belief is that Doc Rivers is going to at least take a sabbatical after this season to watch his son play basketball at Duke.  There have also been murmurs about this possibly being KG’s last hurrah.  Win or lose this year, with a lockout on the horizon, and their coach potentially walking away, one has to wonder if some of their stars may follow Doc’s lead. 

So while the Bruins and their young roster are trying to climb the playoff ladder and reach new heights, the Celtics are possibly making one last stand with the group that brought the NBA’s premier dynasty back to the top. We are witnessing franchises at both ends of the sports spectrum this spring, but hopefully each can deliver the same result: a championship.  The Garden is hosting 4 playoff games in the next 6 days, and hopefully these two teams can keep the building rocking through June.  Forget the Red Sox’ struggles for now, it’s spring and that means playoffs, bring it on!

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McIlroy Could Live to Regret Masters Meltdown

"I'll have many more chances, I know that"

                       --Rory McIlroy, Sunday evening

21 years old.  Top 3 at the final 2 majors of 2010 and the 54 hole header at the 2011 Masters.  Despite not winning the Green Jacket after a back 9 collapse on Sunday, the future should be bright for Rory McIlroy.  He showed a poise beyond his years for 63 holes at one of the biggest tournaments in golf.  He is one of the longest drivers on tour.  In the words of his agent "he's an old 21."  Unfortunately that could have been talking about Rory's body, and not just his poise.  Despite being blessed with immense talent, McIlroy has also been cursed with a bad back.  

He first revealed his back issues to the public in February 2010.  He managed a Top 10 finish in Dubai that week but told the press afterwards that he had been taking anti-inflammatory drugs for it and had it "strapped up pretty good."  He has said that he gets it scanned fairly regularly and that resting it helps it out, but most back problems never seem to truly heal, they only get worse with time.

A lot has been said about McIlroy's swing and how much torque it puts on to his lower back.  He has never changed his swing and if he continues on with the same swing it could severely limit his window of opportunity on the PGA Tour.  Even if he is able to continue playing with periods of rest it leads one to wonder how effective he can ultimately be and if taking chunks of time off will prevent him from ever being able to get into a good rhythm.

A good example of a potentially stellar career being derailed by back problems is Fred Couples.  At 51 he was the low senior at the Masters this year, but played through a painful back condition.  He took time off in December without much success and is now talking about taking more time off to let his back rest.  Couples has 87 career starts in Majors with 1 win, the 1992 Masters.  That win came 2 years before his back problems began.  

The future could still be bright for Rory McIlroy.  He is still young enough that he could go through a swing change to alleve pressure on his back.  His youth also should allow him to fight through it for longer than someone older than him.  History tells us though that the chances of McIlroy having a long and successful career are slim.  Hopefully that is not the case because golf could use another star, as Woods and Mickelson continue to move away from their primes.  He sees this past weekend as a learning experience

on the road to future success, but it may prove to be a bigger missed opportunity than we now realize.  Unfortunately we may look back someday and realize this was the high point of his career.  

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FINALLY............

In honor of ordering my tenth straight WrestleMania last night, I decided to do a running diary of the event (copyright Bill Simmons).  The event on paper looks like it could be a classic with the return of The Rock and Stone Cold, as well as the Undertaker putting his streak on the line against Triple H and John Cena challenging the Miz for the WWE Championship.

Here’s what went down…

7:00pm:  Late in the second quarter the Celtics are up on the Pist… oh yeah forgot to mention I forgot to take the night off from work so I am currently at the TD Garden, let’s hope this game ends quickly so I can get home.

8:25: Mercifully the game is over so now I can finall… oh yeah they put me on the club level tonight which stays open an hour after the game, let’s hope being a Sunday night people do not feel like staying the full hour.

9:20: I am finally in my car on my way home.  I call Brian “Poopa” Smith to inform him that he needs to order food so it will be there when I get home.  Poopa will be joining me tonight for his third straight WrestleMania after I sucked him into wrestling.  He is so fired up for tonight that I have 2 texts from him waiting for me when I grab my phone after work:

            6:39pm: “LOVE? LOVE IS YOUR JOB!!!!!!!”

7:18pm: “You can’t really know where you’re going until you know where you’ve been”

That’s right folks he is so fired up for WrestleMania that he is texting me Hitch quotes while he waits for me to get home.  It should also be noted that he is at my house already doing a fantasy baseball draft and watching Sister Wives with my mother and sister.  I consider telling him to go home but in the end I decide I will need someone to watch with me to keep me awake since this now promises to go until 2 AM.

10:03: FINALLY WrestleMania time!!!  I have a barbecue steak pizza in front of me and I am ready to go.  I informed everyone that it is my tenth straight WrestleMania, leading to Poopa and Beth thinking it was impressive, while my mother said it was sad.  I also asked mother what she would have thought more unlikely back in 1989 when I began watching wrestling: that in 2011 her son would still be watching wrestling or that in 2011 Hulk Hogan would still be wrestling.  Fortunately she finds Hogan more pathetic than me, so I have that going for me.

10:06: Keri Hilson has completed America the Beautiful and now they are running an intro for The Rock, this year’s WrestleMania Host.  Not sure what a host does at the biggest wrestling event of the year, other than get involved in the main event championship match, but I guess we will find out.  Poopa expects tonight to be a 10 on the epic scale and seems peeved when I only expect a 9.  I have seen them screw up too many sure things in the past to expect a 10, hopefully I am wrong.

10:09: Poopa has already mentioned fantasy baseball, and I politely inform him I couldn’t care less and that would be his last time bringing it up this evening.  The Rock is now out and posing on the ropes in front of over 70,000 people.  This leads Poopa to ask aloud, “I wonder how that feels?”  Being the nice friend I am I ask him if he asks the same thing while watching porn.  Probably better off not knowing the answer to that one.

10:17: The Rock is going through all his catchphrases and getting the crowd involved.  I notice that we haven’t had the typical goose bump-inducing opening montage; I hope that isn’t sacrificed for a Rock promo that isn’t much different from the ones he has given on Raw since he returned.

10:20: Fortunately we did get a traditional WrestleMania opening and now we are listening to Michael Cole spew hyperbole about what a big event it is.  Michael Cole has been universally hated since he took over for Jim Ross as Raw commentator, so Vince decided to capitalize on that by making him a heel commentator.  Somehow that has led to him wrestling this evening, I’m sure that won’t be a trainwreck…

10:20: Shockingly the World Heavyweight Championship match between Edge and Alberto Del Rio is first tonight.  Poopa literally starts yelling about this and asks the question, “WHOSE IDEA WAS THIS???”  I inform him that it was probably Vince MacMahon’s. 

10:27: The match is now underway.  For those curious we currently have 5 announcers sitting ringside, including a rare appearance by the SPANISH ANNOUNCE TABLE, which has perished more times than Kenny on South Park.  Michael Cole is sitting inside his “Cole Mine” cubicle (don’t ask).  Josh Matthews and Jerry Lawler, Cole’s opponent tonight, join Cole on the English speaking announce team. 

10:31: Alberto Del Rio (up and coming star, won the Royal Rumble this year, plays an affluent Mexican character) controls the match early as he targets the injured arm of Edge.  Edge has his longtime friend and former tag team partner Christian in his corner, while Del Rio is joined by Brodus Clay (generic big man) and his personal ring announcer. 

10:33: Edge has taken control after Del Rio went flying through the ropes feet first landing awkwardly.  That brought out the first “OHHH” of the night by Poopa and I.  We have also been informed by Cole that Edge really wants to win this match.  Thanks for that info Michael. 

10:36: It is starting to get chaotic with some outside interference and Christian brawling with Clay.  Del Rio locks on his finishing submission hold, the cross arm-breaker and the commentators declare that the match has to be over, which means Edge will end up breaking the hold.  In a related story, Edge just broke out of the hold.

10:38: SPEAR!!!!  Edge hits his finisher and this time Poopa declares it over, and it is!  Edge retains the title, and for the second year in a row the Royal Rumble winner does not win the title at WrestleMania.  Poopa and I agreed to predict the outcome of each match beforehand and I now stand at 1-0 and he is 0-1.  Edge destroys Del Rio’s car with a crowbar while Christian stands there doing nothing with a tire iron.  Del Rio seems more upset about the car.

10:44:  Cole and King taunt each other about their match later while Poopa notices the ATL’s own Ludacris sitting ringside at the Georgia Dome.

10:45: Cody Rhodes (son of Dusty and brother of Goldust) comes out for our second bout.  He will be facing Rey Mysterio, who took away Rhodes’ “dashing” good looks by inadvertently breaking Rhodes’ nose back in January.  I predict Rhodes will win and after pondering over it like it was some global issue Poopa finally takes Mysterio.  Mysterio comes out dressed as a superhero.  I ask if he is supposed to be Mr. America and Poopa informs me it is Captain America.  I quickly apologize.

10:49: Cody Rhodes is sporting the Rip Hamilton face mask this evening and according to Michael Cole it has been deemed legal by the “Board of Commissioners”.  And people think wrestling’s fake??

11:00: Rhodes has lost his mask and Mysterio had his knee brace taken off.  This leads to Rhodes using the knee brace as a weapon while the referee’s back is turned (that never happens!)  Rhodes then hits his finisher for the win.  He flees to the back using the Rip Hamilton to hide his face as Poopa points out that the mask is clear.  Apparently he expects professional wrestling to make sense.  This is also coming from the person who took 2 full minutes to unwrap his steak and cheese sub earlier because he couldn’t figure out how it was wrapped.

11:02 Snoop Dogg is backstage and is auditioning wrestlers to become new rappers.  This is painful, as expected, highlighted only by William Regal (proper Englishman) and a Roddy Piper appearance. 

11:05: It is now time for tonight’s 8 man tag team match.  The Corre (stable of up and coming stars) comes out first followed by their opponents Kane, Big Show, and Santino Marella.  Marella’s tag team partner, Vlad Kozlov, is missing because he was attacked by The Corre earlier in the day (that never happens!).  Kofi Kingston (from Ghana but played a Jamaican character for a long time) comes out to replace Kozlov.  Kingston has beef with The Corre because their leader, Wade Barrett, recently beat him for the Intercontinental championship.  The match ends quickly and I don’t see any of it as I have run to the kitchen to grab cereal and spilled it everywhere.  From the other room I hear “this is awful” so I am not too concerned.  The Corre lost, moving me to 3-0 on the evening and Poopa to 0-3.

11:13: The Rock has an awkward backstage encounter with approximately 250 year old Mae Young, which includes her talking about his “strudel”.  The segment is redeemed though when Stone Cold enters the room and has a brief conversation and staredown with The Rock.

11:17: The highlight package for CM Punk-Randy Orton begins with a clip from the Royal Rumble where Punk cost Orton the championship against The Miz.  Seeing the Royal Rumble clip (it was in Boston this year) I ask Poopa if he remembers being late to the Rumble this year because we had to wait for him to try and ask out the cigar girl at Stanza dei Sigari but instead he only bought a 25 dollar cigar from her.  He can only nod his head.

11:23: For the first time this evening Poopa and I have predicted the same outcome for a match.  We both think Randy Orton will be the winner of this bout.  Poopa also hasn’t noticed Punk’s entire chest being covered in tattoos before despite regularly watching wrestling.

11:28: CM Punk is focusing on the knee of Randy Orton that he injured 2 weeks ago.  So 3 of our first 4 matches tonight involve injury angles.  I wonder why people sometimes call the WWE creative team lazy.  Poopa and I both agree that either this crowd is terrible or that the sound isn’t coming across well on TV.  We also agree that Randy Orton may have fallen asleep in the tanning bed because he looks positively red.

11:38: Just when Orton looks done he nails his finisher the RKO out of nowhere as Punk leaps off the top rope and wins the match.  Poopa is now on a roll in the prediction department, 1-3!!!

11:40: Another painful backstage segment involving The Rock, Mean Gene Okerlund (longtime WWE announcer) and Pee Wee Herman.  It’s about as bad as everyone would expect so let’s move on.

11:43: The 2011 WWE Hall of Fame class is introduced to the crowd.  The class is highlighted by Shawn Michaels, Hacksaw Jim Duggan’s 2X4 sporting a bow tie, and Sunny apparently using her appearance fee on a boob job for the occasion.  And for anyone wondering the WWE Hall of Fame is not an actual place, it’s more just a page on WWE’s website.

11:47: An ad for tomorrow night’s WWE programming on USA leads Poopa to point out that it will be 4 hours long just like tonight.  I am beginning to question my life while Poopa seems thrilled at the prospect of sitting through another 4 hours of wrestling.  I have created a monster.

11:50: Since Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are competing next, Booker T and Jim Ross have come out to join the announce team.  Cole interrupts JR as he comes down to ringside.  He taunts him while wearing a ridiculous red high school wrestling singlet.  Poopa and I both predict Lawler to win this “match.”  Lawler has been vocal in recent years about wanting 1 match at Mania before his career is truly over and he got his wish this year.  If he knew this is what he was going to get I wonder if he would have just kept his mouth shut.

11:53: Stone Cold Steve Austin rides down to the ring on a four wheeler while Michael Cole hides.  Booker T is more excited than anyone in the crowd yelling repeatedly “that’s my dawg!!!”  Michael Cole is now doing calisthenics in the Cole Mine and calls timeout when Austin tries to start the match. 

12:04: The crowd has decided to point out obvious things by chanting “YOU CAN’T WRESTLE” and “BORING” at Michael Cole.  Austin has yet to Stun anyone making me nervous that I took the over on 3.5 Stunners (Poopa took the under). 

12:08: STUNNER #1!!!!!! DOWN GOES JACK SWAGGER (Poopa’s least favorite wrestler, and Michael Cole’s “trainer”), Booker T is ecstatic.  Lawler ends up winning by submission.  Booker runs into the ring to join in the beer bash going on with his “dawg”.  He performs his patented “spinaroonie” followed by…..

            STUNNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  (#2)

12:16: Josh Matthews just had the unfortunate job of announcing the decision of the Raw Anonymous General Manager (don’t ask) that Stone Cold overstepped his authority and informs everyone that Michael Cole is now the winner by disqualification.  Stone Cold does not like this decision leading to a STUNNER!!!!!! (#3) on Josh Matthews.  At least WWE is getting their former superstars over tonight.

12:21: It is now time for Triple H-Undertaker.  Poopa goes against all logic and predicts Triple H to win the match.  In a related story the Undertaker is 18-0 all-time at WrestleMania so I feel pretty confident in picking him to win.

12:28:  We are now blessed with JR and Lawler for the rest of WrestleMania this evening.  WWE has the greatest wrestling play-by-play man and ring announcer (Howard Finkel) under contract yet chooses not to use them.

12:35: After prolonged ring entrances the match is now underway.  Triple H entered looking like Conan the Barbarian for some reason.  Poopa and I agree that the water spitting thing he does is still cool though.  Undertaker comes out to his new AWFUL theme song.  Nothing screams “prince of darkness” like a slow rambling acoustic country song.  That song might top his “American Badass” gimmick as worst decision of his career.

12:36: The Spanish Announce Table looks to be in danger as Undertaker has cleared it off, but in a surprise twist, the Cole Mine is the first furniture casualty of the evening.  Triple H just speared Undertaker through it.

12:39:  It is not a good night for announcing set-ups as the English Announce Table has been cleared off as well, this time by Triple H.  For now they are both intact.

12:41: Undertaker just almost killed himself diving headfirst out of the ring over the top rope at Triple H.  It should be noted that neither of these men have wrestled much since last spring.  They are the O’Neal brothers of the WWE.

12:43: RIP Spanish Announce Table.  Cause of Death: Triple H hitting a spinebuster on Undertaker through it.

12:48: Triple H with a pedigree for a TWOOOOOOOO count.  Poopa got excited.

12:50: Last Ride by the Undertaker… TWOOOOOOOOOO.

12:51: Tombstone by the Undertaker, folds the arms, tongue out, gotta be over…  TWOOOOOOOOOOO.

12:54: Pedigree by Triple H… TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, followed by another Pedigree for the TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

12:57: Triple H just hit 8 consecutive chair shots on the Undertaker as counted by Poopa

12:58:  Concussions be damned, Triple H just nailed Undertaker in the head with a monster chair shot and then stares in disbelief as Undertaker keeps trying to get up.  He is now yelling “stay down, just die, what’s wrong with you?!?!?!?!”  I believe his family says the same thing every time he refuses to retire.  Triple H now taunts Undertaker with his signature throat slash and HITS THE TOMBSTONE ON THE UNDERTAKER!!!!  He mimics the Undertaker’s traditional pin, 1….2…. SHOULDER UP!!!!!!!  It probably goes without saying, but this is the match of the night.

1:02: A frustrated Triple H now goes for his trusty sledgehammer to try and finish off the Dead Man.  HELL’S GATE!!!  Out of nowhere, Undertaker has Triple H locked in his chokehold submission.  Triple H hanging on, now reaches for his sledgehammer but his arm goes limp and he drops it, he’s fading.  TRIPLE H TAPS OUT, THE STREAK IS NOW 19-0!!!  Poopa is disgusted, as if there were ever any doubt.  Poopa slumps over, he seems to be more spent after that match than the wrestlers themselves.  Undertaker’s horrendous theme song is now blasting over the Georgia Dome sound system.

1:08: Signs your wrestling career might need to end: the trainer checks your pulse after a match.  Undertaker has now collapsed outside the ring and actually looks like he may be dead.  They now are wheeling him out on the back of a cart.  I ask Poopa if he thinks that will be what happens with Shaq at the end of the postseason.  He laughs, but then seems to realize it could actually happen.

1:14: Slumped over on the couch, spent from watching a 30 minute wrestling match, Poopa complains that big matches don’t need filler in between as the crowd should be able to stay into the matches.  I point out that he is saying this while appearing to need an IV and he agrees then that maybe filler isn’t so bad.

1:14: EXCUSE ME!!!!!!!!!!!  Vickie Guerrero (widow of Eddie Guerrero) comes out signaling the start of the mixed tag match featuring… Snooki.  Maybe Poopa was on to something with that no filler theory.  I refuse to comment on this match.

1:23: Mercifully that ended quickly.  Somehow the 2 male wrestlers never entered the ring.  To no one’s surprise Snooki gets the pin because why should the WWE push their own talent when they can let a reality “star” get the win.  I guess she is now going to enter the Hall of Fame since Drew Carey was inducted for running away from Kane in the Royal Rumble one year.  The only highlight of this match was Poopa exclaiming “oooh buttcrack!” when Trish Stratus bent over.  It takes so little to excite him.

1:25: A new Georgia Dome attendance record has been set… 71,617!!!  They can tell their children one day that they saw WWE Hall of Famer Snooki win on the Grandest Stage of them All.

1:32:  The Miz and John Cena are now out to the ring for the last match of the evening for Miz’s WWE Championship.  Miz had a cool highlight package that Poopa approved of because it featured Nas.  Cena had a choir out for him (copyright Blake Griffin 2011) and had a highlight package narrated by DMX.  Luda can’t get any love. 

1:39: The match is now underway, or as I like to think of it, the countdown to the Rock’s interference has begun.

1:47:  Very slow paced to this point and the Miz has been controlling the action.  The crowd still seems very out of it.

1:48: We now have an exposed turnbuckle in the corner (that never happens!).  Cena locks in his STF submission on The Miz but he makes it to the ropes.

1:49: Cena off the exposed steel into The Miz’s finisher, the Skull Crashing Finale for a TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

1:50: The ref has been knocked unconscious (that never happens!) before Cena hits his finisher (the Attitude Adjustment) on The Miz.  No referee to count the pin (that never happens!).  The Miz’s apprentice Alex Riley hits Cena with a steel briefcase right before the ref recovers (that never happens!) and the Miz gets a TWOOOOOOOOOO!

1:52: A crazy sequence occurs with Miz taking out Alex Riley accidentally (that never happens!) then taking an Attitude Adjustment for a TWOOOOOOOOO.  Cena ends up tackling Miz into the crowd and they both get counted out.  The match is declared a draw and The Miz retains?!?!?!?!

1:54: IF YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKIN! The Rock declares that the match will not end that way and restarts it.  Cena tries for his finisher but The Miz scrambles over the rope.  Cena turns around… ROCK BOTTOM ON CENA!!!  1….2….3 MIZ RETAINS!  Poopa has officially gone insane as he is yelling about conspiracy theories like this is all real.  Meanwhile The Rock and The Miz are going at it in the ring.  The Rock gets the upper hand and nails a spinebuster followed by The People’s Elbow.  The Show ends with The Rock posing for the crowd.

2:02:  Poopa and I are both a bit letdown by the show but the more I think about it there was more good than bad, it’s just that the bad was REALLY bad.  We both agree that the ending was very stupid unless The Rock is coming back to wrestle because otherwise the WWE just fed their 2 biggest stars to a retired wrestler.  But I am now sucked into Raw to see where this goes.  Four more hours of wrestling here I come!

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